"Uh, it's EXACTLY what it looks like" - Peter Griffin

This comes from an episode of Family Guy. In one of their characteristically disgusting (but hilarious) scenes after Lois has all of her body fat removed, Peter can't be found. When the door to a closet in the hospital room is opened after the procedure, we find Peter in the closet hugging and kissing a giant bag of Lois's removed fat. He looks "in the moment" when we first see him, then he realizes he's been spotted, stops what he's doing, and for a moment we think he's going to conjure up an excuse for what he's doing. Instead, he says "uh, it's exactly what it looks like."

Yesterday, I had changed Abigail's diaper before putting her down for nap time. Her onesie was a little wet, so I removed it as well, so she only had a diaper on. I didn't want to put anything else on her because she sometimes gets upset when getting dressed, so I put her down for a nap with only her diaper. It's no big deal, I've done it before.

When the time comes for her to wake up, I hear her cooing, babbling, and playing over the baby monitor. I think "cool, she's in a good mood, I'll let her play for a little while." I didn't know exactly what she was doing, but I thought "there's no harm in letting her play in her crib for a bit before I go get her." Besides, I was fielding a few phone calls at the house for a family member's auto accident (no worries, everything is fine).

So, I was ready to go upstairs and get my precious, beautiful, sweet little baby from her afternoon "shluf" where she can be refreshed and in a good mood. As normal, I open her door very slowly so I don't startle her. When my I poked my head in, I saw something wasn't quite right, the colors I'm used to seeing aren't quite there, things are darker. I saw Abigail sit up and look at me as she normally does, and her normal pleasant face is greeting me, but she's sitting naked. The details came to me very slowly as I first noticed the brown on her chest. Then I noticed the brown all over her sheet (and I really mean all over). Then I noticed the diaper she had removed. As I got closer, I noticed more details, like the brown on her face, her head, her hands, on her plush toys in the crib, on the crib itself, and few pieces on the floor. What the heck happened here? As soon as I picked up those details, my olfactory senses kicked in and I picked up the heavy smell of poop. Since she was in a good mood, I realized at that second, I had interrupted the "2008 Festival of Poo". Since I wasn't exactly 'invited' to this festival, it was a surprise for Abigail to see me. I pictured Peter Griffin saying "uh, it's EXACTLY what it looks like" giving up all hope for any other explanation besides the truth.

When I grabbed her and ran her straight into the tub, the more disgusting it became to me. She was truly having fun because I remember hearing on the monitor her sounds of cooing and good noises. She was saying "beh beh beh" and "duba duba duba" with a few happy "eeeep"s in there. She was enjoying this! There was poop built up on her fingernails and we all know what babies do with their hands (I didn't kiss her until after her next snack). There were chunks in her hair, and she only grabs at her hair if she's playing with food. It really was the Festival of Poo.

After her bath, I became Harvey Keitel's character from "Point of No Return": a quiet, fast, serious, diligent man known only as "The Cleaner". No talk, only action. I put on her new diaper and let her play on the floor. It would be awhile before I touched her again. I grabbed the sheets, the toys, the bed spread, everything I could see and ran to the laundry room. I threw everything into the washer except the sheet (I had to shake out the remaining chunks into the cat litter box first). I came back into the room and worked on the crib bars and the floor. The crib bars? What the heck was she doing? All the crib bars. I picked up pieces from the floor. How did they get there? Was she throwing them?

Finally I got to the point where I could wash my hands. I did so several times. I then washed her hands and face. We came downstairs and I gave her a cup of milk and a snack. It was an hour before I kissed her again.

- Submitted by The Dad